what's on your rescue biner?

this is a guest post by alex rowland. alex lives in athens, georgia and is the despot of homo climbtastic, a group for queer rock climbers. his day job consists of running a legal education web site for law students, the southeast law wiki, while trying to avoid failing out of law school.


Lots of climbers out there carry a "rescue biner" for those unforeseen climbing emergencies. While the assortments vary, the biners often include a tiny shiny petzl ascender, rappel rings, and a pocketknife for cutting Chris O'Donnell off the approach line.

But there are a few other things you should consider carrying for your own private emergencies. Here’s my list of 14 additional tools you might want to attach to your rescue biner. These few extra grams will go a long way:

1. Safety-goggles. Rock fall is hard on the eyes. If in doubt, remember Carol, who didn't wear her safety goggles and now doesn't need them.

2. Half-liter box of Tropicana orange juice. Hypoglycemia can strike at any time.

3. Sawed off shotgun. Cliff zombies do exist.

4. Porn. Despite harnesses, slings, and hard bodies, most climbers finish the day sexless and alone. With a copy of Playgirl (or Playboy) you can mitigate the lonely and dull stretches spent belaying overly ambitious partners. You only need to keep one hand on the rope, right?

5. Emery board. Useful for calluses on the other hand.

6. Christmas tree ornaments. The next time a hardcore old guy with gear from WWII makes fun of you for carrying shiny new camalots by asking you why you don't also bring along christmas tree ornaments, break out your set of REAL Christmas tree ornaments. An added bonus. You'll be on the cover of Rock & Ice for your series of first ascents with an undamaged Christopher Radko Bella d' Snowball Ornament.

7. Hexcentric. There’s always a chance you might encounter a hottie while on the cliff. Nothing impresses more than a confidently placed hexcentric.

8. Duct tape or modeling clay. It would be really embarrassing if your hex fell out before you finished your climb.

9. Gasoline and lighter. If you're ready to bail after reaching the first belay station, light a bush on fire and claim to bring gospels from the new Messiah. (Also great for establishing a perimeter against cliff zombies.)

10. Ballgag. This is exclusively for your beta-spewing partner. How do you make that move static? "Flurbblllurrerrerregrg!" The key to getting past the crux? "Flurbblllurrerrerregrg!"

11. Stick clip. If it doesn't look like you're going to flurbblllurrerergg it.

12. Raid. Jugs always have spiders. Big furry spiders. Kill them before they kill you.

13. Big furry spider. Be responsible and leave nature as you found it with a replacement big furry spider. Name it "Ashley."

14. Big furry spider #2. Your other big furry spider might get lonely. Name this one "Mary Kate."